God, am I a failure?
I feel like such a big failure. A dumb stupid failure. Who can't achieve anything. Who will never do much.
God, am I a loser?
Am I destined to watch others succeed while I have no success at all. Am I supposed to always feel this weight of unhappiness. Cannot I not complain?
I know that I have more than many others - and Allah Almighty Thank You For That - but also gaining more means I sometimes desire more within in what you have given me. Not of riches in the material sense. The riches of those things ebb away. I wanted something that was substantial.
I have no life other than this. This boring, putrid life. Which though is a blessing can act like a curse at times. I feel like screaming out at times and just feel like I could end in that scream. But, that doesn't happen.
I must face livid disappointments, humiliations and the unexpected failures that others do not know off. I feel so frustrated at times that I feel like going away - locking myself in frustrations and dreams - to have a balance of nightmares and blisses that I can control. But, that never happens away.
I have had this feeling more than once. I have had this feeling more than a couple of times. I just can't take it - being the loser all the time. It's not fair. It's Just NOT FAIR.
But I have experienced this so many times. This sadness. This in-excruciating sadness. The wrath of this sadness. In loneliness, bitterness and dysfunctionality. It has started to sicken me. I wish it would all end. But, I know I'm not going strong enough if I say that. That I am being a coward if I think that.
I feel really upset. Am I such a loser? Am I such a failure? Why do I have to meet with such disappointments when I see others around me not facing these things and gaining so much happiness or regular success. I feel down. As I said I do count my blessings. But sometimes it hurts a lot. A lot more than I can handle. I feel like being torn to pieces by the Angel of Death. But, I guess it would be wrong to think that. Wrong to think of such things,
I guess I am just sad. Sad of being a loser. But, I guess I gotta go on ahead.
