The Life Of Self Loathing (Leads Nowhere...)

I think to myself . Is there any real-life? Of course, there is. But to reach that - the beanstalk - does one need magical beans? I guess, we all have these things called bad episodes. But, was my life entirely a bad episode? Sometimes I think that. Merely, as an act of defense I believe. Therefore I cannot know - but, I do know. This is paradox - a box within a box that opens and closes at will. However, I do not know why these feelings affect me. Possibly I am aimless. Possibly I want another identity. I guess this happens to people who feel alone. And disappointed. But, when you have a lot are you meant to disappointed? You can be. Like, when you believe you have little and think you need more. The more and little are variances - input - the eyeglass is always different. But, then why dissatisfaction? Why the need of it? Is it just there - Nothing is just there. Like Weight. Light Gravity. It has bones. It has muscles. It can breathe. Possibly the mitosis is faster.

I think I hate myself. Possibly I do - sometimes. I want to be something more. Though it should easily fit between these fingers: give me the powers to grasp it. I cannot. I do not wish to change to please others. Doing that is pointless. I want to change for myself. But, that is not so easy. Because it is transformation. And, sometimes your old self doesn't wish to die. Doesn't wish to crawl out of it's shell and do anything. It believes it's not ready to die. You have been with it for so long and you've been fine. Does it need to die? No - I think not always. Old selves should be kept then worked upon like a sweater, a computer or a mirror. No, I do not mean the surface - what is there? Surfaces are beautiful but seas are not only surfaces - they are choral, life, bubbles and dissolved oxygen - and those things are below. So, the old self must see if new choral must be shaped or added. Misery, or a weak choral, destroys (ask Captain Planet, that episode was good).

So, my life is of self-loathing. There isn't anything finesse about it, maybe, no underlining thought of philosophy or, maybe, there is, as psychology usually marries philosophy: this is quite natural and ubiquitous. Now, I do hate myself many a times. I wish myself to be different. It would be convenient to have a fairy-godmother. But, then, that won't be responsible. Then again, is the fairy-godmother a personification of God Herself? If so - then there is such a fairy-godmother. If you don't believe it (or, even if you do) you still should have a wand of yourself. But, careful - it's not entirely magic - it's not immortal nor is it stable - because it is a human wand. However, besides the conflicts - it's operational - it works - which is good. But, the run of it will reveal it is not smooth. Thus the hate legacy may not be easily mitigated or carefully rid off for good in an instant strike, a Zeus-bolt lightning, to which all things will perish. There will be leeching though, the water can carry so the molecules may find some root. But it diminishes. It cannot live long. Plants may reject it. You are bound to be lucky.

So, I might, subconsciously and even consciously lead a life of self-loathing. I want to be someone else many a times but then strangely I feel I am in love with myself (tune into erotic narcissism). So, what is the purpose of such a flux - well, I guess I am in transition - I am never extreme but there are the episodes. Dissatisfactions may seize me more than it does some people but once a friend told and I agreed and I observed myself that the loathing is of no use. I observed that if you loathe but cannot find the will to correct or improve what is the need to loathe? What is the purpose?

Love thyself - maybe, you can't always. I know I can't for most. But, I am not right in many ways. I should not loathe and then wallow - it serves no need. Loathing really leads nowhere despite the questions:

Why does he look better than me?
Why does she have a better job than me?
Why does he have a love?
Why does she get paid better?
Why is he such a better lover/husband?
Why is she so supported by her peers/coworkers?

Why is she/he not my friend?
Why is she/he not in love with me?

I have them so many times. Hard to count. But, I guess you can try. Change it. Positively. Be introspective.

After all, a life where you hate yourself just might led you nowhere.