The grin was there - leftover of some corpse or the other - I can't remember well - I only think the words "saint" and "sinner" - these were my problems.
I read the newspapers and saw different grins all the time. Some from comedians, some from politicians (are they so different?) some from actors, some from loons and rapists, murderers and prosecutors and defenders and defendants and dependents and some other people. The ands will have ands and ands will continue...
There was one a person I had known. That person, he, gave off a grin - I know it too well for caring - I know it too well to not to stop caring.
Body-bags of lies and truths carry grins; which one was he?
The answer should be obvious but how can obvious be defined.
I try to console myself with "first" and "last" but these words have become a pandora to my being.
I see intrusions of colours, blacks and whites in my eyes.
This Kaleidoscope becomes weary.
I play a game of dots, numbers and names. It's a strange game. I know I shouldn't try to play it. I think I tried something like this before in school. With my classmate's eyes I realized I shouldn't try to replicate video games in pieces of lined paper. Before I understood I realized it was somewhat a useless excursion. Video games can't be played on pieces of paper exceptional scavenger hunts they are.
But this game is slightly different - you choose a name - put decimal dots wherever - think of numbers and words - limits and un-limits you can with those letters and numbers - and it is especially good when one was bored.
Her traveling eyes have engaged me again. They eat me when they are hungry. They eat me when they are full. They seem to eat me. Like slices of cheese - carefully dissected - carefully placed on the plate - or apple slices that so symmetrical - mathematic harmony of nature - the fullness of art mixed with the deluge of numericals.
I am an object of study. An amateur's art piece it seems. Blueprints to other steps.
" Yasif...what are you doing?" she asks plainly.
" I am playing a game."
" By yourself."
" Yes."
" Are there others with you...?"
" I said, you said - I was playing by myself..."
" The mind is not limited to three dimensional shapes..."
" I do have spirits or friends as such to -"
" Can I play this game with you...?"
" Only if you want Sama..."
" Ok - I do - what do I do?"
" Pick a name."
" Ok, my own..."
" Where do you want a decimal dot?"
" A decimal dot...?"
" Yes."
I explain the proceedure
" S.ama"
" Ok..."
" S means 5 to me so 5 is the limitation of top tens and belows of most lists - 5 times table equalizes time. 5 is a perfect number - you see two legs, two arms, one head..."
"That's nice."
"Ummm 'a' inverts to a form of 9 or 6 if you look at it..."
" I guess it does..." I had not thought of it before - interesting...
" 6 records as devil's number then 9 -"
" Not heaven for that's 7 -"
" Or 8 'cause there are supposed to be eight heavens..."
" So 9-"
" Constitutes as Armagedon - in the clock 3,6,9 and 12 make the points - if midnight represents dawn, six as dusk then 3 is noon and 9 is evening..."
" Yes..."
" 12 can decode as birth, 6 as hell, 3 as live half-lived and 9 as the space of no return as an end."
" Then heaven - what number signifies that...?"
" Hmm maybe sixes and twelves both - for 6 may decode hell and heaven."
" And the 'm' ? What does that decode?"
" A 3"
" And...?"
" The three is a nice number - represents a trinity a triangle of motion - Earth, Heaven and Hell strategy - a cycle of completion. Three spaces can also make a circle -"
" How...?"
" Ok, just take it as this a line on the north pole, south pole and the belly equator..."
" Oh Ok..."
" So, did I play the game well..."
" You haven't decided the words..."
" How many words - 5 for S?"
" Ok if you desire...it could be more if you want 5 less than 10 or 5..."
" Ok, Ok, so words are limitless...in this game...?"
" No - but you can make them as 5 can be made a 2 too you know so S could be a stylish 2..."
" Good Point..."
" So...?"
" S- Serenity, S - Secure, S- Sanity, S - Symmetry, S - Solar..."
" And..."
" A - Ambition, A - Ambivalence, A - Artemis, A - Alpha, A - Ancient, A - Antithesis, A - Axis, A - Apocalypse, A - Absolute and with M- Magnificence, M- Multitudes , M - Metaphysical..."
" Ok, now see if they interlink in a story of your own..."
" This is quite a tedious game..."
" You don't have to play anymore if you don't want to..."
" No, No - I like it - please let me say that this is a new sort of thing..."
" Thank-you..." I'm glad if she's liking it.
" Absolute Ambition relays Metaphysical Artemis as Ancient Antithesis turns the axis. The Alpha of Ambivalance with irs multitudes holds a magnificence. Is Sanity Secure as Serenity or Vice Versa?The Apocalypse is A symmetry and thus as there is solar engergy there is continual rebirth..."
" Choose two words from this story and say something specific about yourself with a number choice..."
" Rebirth and Apocalypse - I am a being of Apocalypse and I am a being Of Rebirth - as there is a 9 in the clock, as there is a three whole and sixes coming around. I am sure of this..."
" Well Game Over..."
" It's quite a game..."
" Well, yeah..."
" Now your turn..."
" Huh..."
" You..."
" Ok... my name..."
" Alright..."
" Ya.sif.."
" Ok I hold the 'i' as 7, the s as '2' and the 'a' as '9', and the 'Y' and 'f' as variations of ones..."
" Oh continue..."
" 7 is a good kind of heaven I guess I heard the 8th was even inaccessible to angels - I am not pure..."
" And...?"
" 2 is for Ying and Yang, two bodies as lovers as equals, The 9 to me is both something heavenly and inverted as hellish - so life contradiction to me 9 is both hope and incompletion as in it can be 10 a set but must also promise hundreds or nothing and the ones are the Aplpha and Beta - both surges of the universe circuit..."
" Tell me more...the words..."
" Y- Year, f - friend, a - antibody, a - angle, a - anticipation, a - angel, a - aforementioned, a - ancillary, a -asphyxiate, a- anther, a - aroma and i - innocence, i - intelligence, i- insignia, i - instrument, i - iris, i- intake and i as in 'I'..."
" Ok..."
" A year has gone by friend maybe even more. The antobody has not come. The anticipation - the one that ruined the intake of innocence? Is it still there in your intelligence? The anther, that aroma cannot be purged and its an instrument to memory. The iris that stared and the insignia that burned into flesh and the ancillary hurt that was aforementioned maybe in some angle. The angel that should asphyxiate is you...I know..."
" Then...?"
" Angel and Angle - I am no Angel so I won't have 7 but I have Angle so even if 1 is never definite I am closer to 9 of the incomplete fulfillment and the 2 of the world's paradoxes..."
" What does the decimal signify...?"
" Oh Yeah how you have halved yourself..."
" You seemed to reach a middle ground with Ya.sif..."
" Maybe..."
" Or are you sio halved you don't know..."
" Possibly..."
" Hey why doesn't that boy come here anymore...?"
" Which one...?"
" Which one...?"
" You know that one...Sarkar...?"
" He is dead."
" What - I'm sorry..."
" He was found dead in his bedroom..."
It is in that sheepish grin - so solely my "first" and "last" I cannot seem to make it ebb. It shines like the moon and the sun and the Alpha and Beta of so many things.
There is bleeding...slight...but then clawing anf tugging...then it's done and the start was there too...
I had closed-open...
Nothing seems perfect...
She sees me and states ' "Do you miss him...?"
" Who...?"
" Why Sarkar of course..."
" As I guess I need to..."
" You two were so close..."
" Yes..."
" Did they know who did it..."
" Only that they mutilated his body..."
" Oh...how horrible..."
" Yes..."
" Do they know why...?"
" There might have been reasons that were not stated..."
" He was such a good guy..."
" Yes, like 6 and 9..."
" What...?"
" Nevermind..."
You know what it hurt a lot but the touch of it, the aroma of skin that did not hurt that much, a mind trying to defeat reality? Could be...maybe it was more deeper in the crust...maybe a cocoon...when will the butterfly shoot out...when will...
" Yasif, the person who killed Sarkar...that person-"
" Yes..."
" Cut his penis right down the middle as though it was some form of meat..."
" Yes..."
" Doesn't that seem odd..?"
" I guess..."
" Don't you...Don't you question it...?"
" Questioning won't stitch his penis back - won't stich him back to life..."
That eye. The Iris. And Innocence intake stopped. Like an angle of Evil. I waged. I asphyxiated...Why did you not stop? Why did you...
" Yasif...oh Yasif..."
" They are taking me to an asylum..."
" Yasif..."
" Don't cry..."
" Yasif it was you..."
" It's alright I'm no Angel but I've got Angles - he might have said that too..."
" Yasif - he...that's why you..."
" Sama - it's been fun..."
" You don't have to hide anymore - I'm here..."
She's holding me...
" I had more pain in my half - I wanted him to feel it too..."
