Wednesday 19 May 2010

Semester Beginnings

Well, it was Sunday 16th 2010 - My summer semester was to begin.

I had spent the whole night talking to one of my best friends, Efadul Huq, due to lack of sleep - as I slept during the day - and had become quite nocturnal during my semester break.

Well, I got up and I think I breakfasted and was actually waiting for the computer guy to come so that my desktop internet would be reestablished - due to a storm my broadband lines were cut and he was supposed to come and fix them. He did not come. Alas I was going to have my other internet source in my laptop - though I kinda preferred to work in my desktop at home as I have reved it up with all my essentials in comparison with my laptop counterpart.

I took an unsteady nap thus getting a bit moody when my mom was playfully pushing me awake and she was like "Why are you so angry? I'm only kidding..." I apologized and I got ready. The first class was Biology 101 at 2pm. It was 1pm and if anyone knows Bangladesh, Dhaka then they know that traveling from a place called Dhanmondi to get to Mohakhali is a chore due to the plague, the epidemic called TRAFFIC JAM!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I sorted out my things. Got in the car. My driver and I headed out. It was hot. That would be an understatement. It was humid. That too would be a child's word, a mosquito pinch or let's say a little prick of a statement. It was monstrously hot and humid somewhat comes close to a definition. Anyway, there we were sitting in the car and waiting around. Surprisingly, Thanks to Allah Almighty - a miracle of nature - I arrived at uni at 1:30pm. So after getting into the elevator at the 13th floor - surprisingly my bio teacher was there as well in the elevator - and I got down to my floor. I talked there with some of my friends. I also talked to a teacher basically on how and when shall I meet my thesis supervisor (actually my TA in past courses and a senior friend). She told me not to worry and that she will inform the Professor and that there will be a meeting with him. I was hoping I would meet him that day as I needed the "go" from him involving the thesis - as in if I am going the right way or how to structure and the books I am doing - so, it was time later on and I went to class.

Bio 101 is a basic course. The teacher was friendly. In fact I made arrangements during my advising so that I took my course with him as my friend suggested that he is a great teacher (this friend took a break from this semester). He went on telling on the basics "You might be a philosopher but in biology you are just a bunch of carbohydrates, fats and proteins..." that was kinda funny. He gave us the basics and class ended a bit earlier. I had decided - when no one else was speaking and he asked what we might do our first assignment papers on - to do it on mutation. I don't own maybe Eugene Victor Tooms from The X-Files classic paranormal monster set was going around my head. So, I went upstairs to my department and found my supervisor didn't arrive early so I left it to my TA friend to do what we though of before.

I then went to my Sociology 301 course called "Sociological Theory" which is a prerequisite to my Soc Minor and it was being taught by a sir I wanted to do courses with from last year but he went away to the States for a semester and I thought that he wasn't coming back soon. Cool, my expectations were not disappointed Thanks to Allah Almighty. He came back and it felt like manna after a starvation period I had with a previous SOC course. No, the Sir was nice but his course schedule was bony and not edible. Anyways, Sir was great. He wanted us to participate in something he called "Institutionalized Adda." which is non-directed discussion with any topic available. He asked if anyone wanted to volunteer and no one did. I opened my big mouth. I asked Sir if he saw movies? He said yes but not much and talked about how he recently saw Avatar with his son and then the movie conversation went to Pother Prachari a Bangladeshi classic movie - reflecting on so many issues (unfortunately, I haven't seen it).

The discussions were good and fun. Sir is a free person and it is easy to talk to him on various issues. We started talking on detective fiction and how the West shows have a good dynamism in their detective shows as in CSI and then I talked about The X-Files and I remember my friend commenting on its creepiness but Sir saying how he loved Mulder and Scully as much as I did (though he forgot that Mulder was the guy and Scully's name ^_^) I think that is extremely important in a teacher. Anyways class ended (I feel satisfied to say it was a great class). I went to my building back again hoping to see my supervisor. My TA regretted to tell me that he was in a rush and left. It was around 5pm and I wondered what I could do as I thought the sooner I talked to him the better. She advised me to go to my advisor and talk to her so that I could do something about the situation. I told my advisor. I said I had my Sup's number but that it would be weird to call him out of the blue. She agreed and I asked her if she would call him on my part. She agreed to help but thought best to SMS him. I told her I was willing to go to Dhaka University where my Sup also teaches so that I can talk to him and that it is imperative that I do so. She was writing the SMS. I made comments on the horrible weather which she did not acknowledge though she did chat with me. I thanked her immensely. I saw that she had taped a printout on Surahs (prayers) concerning their roles. I had not known those facets of them. I confessed that I do not know much on religion at times. We actually recited some Surahs together - yeah she is religious - and I thanked her again for helping me. She took my number and told me she is going to call me as soon as possible when she hears from my supervisor.

Well, there I was. In the car. Going back home. Kind of irritated that I hadn't talked to Sir. But hoping I would talk to him soon. I think I dozed off in the car a couple of times - oh yeah I did - I was really tired. I got home but not by the usual way as there were some political traffic on the road and police get extra bitchy then. I realized it though I feel asleep and asked my driver if we were going the right way and I thought I was misconceiving but I later realized I was right.

Getting home I saw the computer guy. He came late. But was efficient. He said he has to realign the wires so he would come back Monday Morning. I said ok. As I only have one class on Monday starting from 9:30 am and ending at 11:00am I told him to come around 11:30ish - he agreed and left.

Monday 17th - Had a big breakfast and was watching Space Chimps - it's a cool animation movie though couldn't finish watching it in MMnet1 or 2 as I had class. My SOC 370 class, Marriage and Family, was the same SOC Sir. We started talking about marriage. Then Sir asked why I was so quiet today (I was actually sitting at the back as I was kinda late). I asked Sir about the Kinsey Scale and how Kinsey defined that no one was a 100% heterosexual nor a 100% homosexual. Sir agreed that finding pure homosexuals and pure heterosexuals were hard to find - by the way my TA friend came into the class; she knows Sir well so she decided to come and sit in class - in fact, he enlightened on a gay student, whom he didn't know who was gay but who told him so was now having a heterosexual relationship - obviously, the opposite runs true as well. The facet that interested him the most was that more men are homophobic than women. He said it is socially ingratiated. He recollected that as a youth he was more prone to it but as he grew wiser it was obviously clear to him that it was not right to be homophobic. He admitted that he knows Bangladesh has issues on this but homosexual do exist potentially in religious oriented countries due to sexual frustrations. Also, he admitted that humans are not inherently monogamous - be they male or female - and that they are also mostly bisexual by nature - able to be attracted by both the sexes.

Afterwards, when coming home I asked if the computer guy came. The security guard said he did not. After an hour later the computer guy comes upstairs and says that he has been working downstairs in the garage and grounds for quite some time. He redirected by cable from across the street to my place. He had tied a chord to a room and pulled the rope up using that via a window. Connected it. Internet in Desktop again. MASHALLAH Success. Afterwards, my brother's in-laws - who we call Mom and Dad - came with my sister-in-law's younger brother and sister. They have come from Australia and was going to stay for a while - my Bro and my Bhabi (sister-in-law) still there. Bhabu's younger brother who is 13 years younger than me, bought me some stationaries as I like them. I excused myself as I couldn't sleep the night previous and turned on the nocturnal binds. I slept from 2:45pm to 8:00 pm and as Allah Almighty would have it so did Efad as I seen him give me a Good Morning on the chatbox. Mom and Dad came for dinner. Bhabi's younger sister who's like 3 or 4 got hurt - she fell down and cut her chin. She was not allowing Mom to touch it but Mom cleared the cut and put vaseline on it. Mom got scared if it became a permanent scar as Bhabi had under her chin - she said when my Mom appeared, as I told her my Mom knows of these things, that when the young girl's skin grows it might appear right on her chin. My Mom said she should bandaid and Nivea on it and that Nivea works wonders.

Tuesday 18th - Got to class a bit late. Nocturnal habits interfering. Saw some disturbing extremist religious videos with Efad the following night (Yeah I am a Night Owl and he is having no summer classes or stuffs to do yet). So went to class. HOT HUMID DISGUSTING. I had walk from the ground floor to the 9th as Elevator was full. The heat made me want to puke. Saw my good friend Samin on the stairs gave her a hug and said "Later Babe..." after telling her how DISGUSTING HOT IT WAS. Had class. It was a revision of the first. Sir said at the end that he usually doesn't do this but was making an exception as it was the beginning of the semester. I didn't have to write anything. Went to the 13th saw my Sup - I was supposed to meet him that day on 4:50 pm but he was here now and my advisor tried calling me on Sunday but I was dead asleep so I called her back on Monday morning and got the news - So I thought I should talk to him.

We sat down and he asked if I started anything yet. I told him " No" then started off with my plans. He agreed with them and told him to write chapters first and the intro last. We agreed we would communicate via SMS, calls and Email to set up meeting dates or for other stuff. Then I went to SOC 301 Had a BLAST ONCE MORE 0 Sir said as a sociologist he also is fascinated at seeing how we converse - and then came home.

I fell asleep. Waking up at 11 My parents reminded me it was Bro's Birthday. He read my card first, the one I secretly sent with Dad, and he cried a bit - he misses me. Mom and Dad had come and left. I had dinner with my Parents.Then stayed up the whole night again with Efad also doing stuff in the States (yeah so for him it is not Nocturnal) and talking to me after I had talked to my Dad.

In fact I have another SOC 370 class now - it's Wednesday 19th - my class starts at 9:30am and it is 7:17am and I supposed to wake up at 8. Well 15 mins of nap is good.




Monday 17 May 2010

Three Eyes

Three eyes
One body bagged
two souls in one

Three eyes
around legs
threesome induced
body bagged

Three eyes
complex love
like dotting nightmares
in polygraph

Three ties
Three eyes
crossroads birth
fork nods with a tongue

License

To the bleeding corpse you cry
to living automatic no eye shine
to parer burned
we scribe
to papers now torn
we sew not

a ballad is but ballad sans
instruments entangled in their own entrails
stringed by vein-failure

life academic - life learned
soul writes
the world does not obey

Sense Life

The farcry
ranges out
wades not
oceanic oxide
parasite foam
there diver
death culminates
you asphyxiate

the foamy frills
a worker's parallel
curves into
tentacles
and worms

no,
water
is free

life endures
exotic replenishes

Mutilated stars End

The telescope mounted my eyes
it reproduced a tragedy
bend it back
the lenses cloud

your astronomy knows no senses
you are packed in the neutrons of sadomasochistic

pray, look at that bow
pray, look at that sword

that constellation armoured

the heavens soar to battle

Saturday 15 May 2010

Life in a package

I realized my life is redundant. It is boring. I do the same boring routines. Repetitions is having an orgy in my existence. I feel shelved away like packaged meat - clustered in old pantries - smelling, rotting becoming infested by the mere thought of consumption. Alas - no angel sings sweetly in my ear of rejuvenation rather a reincarnation experimentative (in short: Same shit different day) mess of rather narrow functions down by the body.

In these two weeks of a so-called semester break I had done nothing. I had hordes of books but their harem of exquisite white and black skin tickled my fancy for a few and then I dropped them into their own world of free wanderings. It is not that I don't love to read rather that my ming wishing other things - even a more devout bibliophile might feel her wrenches being screwed out of place without other things to touch feel and love than those lovers/bedfellows/spouses/siblings/foster parents - the world exists between other dimensions.

I feel suffocated by a mass of obsolete metaphors and music - of deranged cliches and organs sucked out of their juice to the core surpassing minuscule cells - it is quite disgusting - it is quite a torment - a quartering of soul parts - an iron maiden's best orgasm detailed. I must thank Allah Almighty though due to comfort and blessings and I do - it's just this human malady of a heart craves/ponders/delights/hungers/cherishes the horizon of more.

I wonder if it is alright. Oh Allah tell me...is it alright? It is alright - right?

Thursday 6 May 2010

Climbers must kiss

Your pent up bones
need release
like climbers kiss
on top of tress

you engage in orally stimulated speech
body language systemically wild
rich in hyper
space for a universe of motion

leading lamps
like photogenic smiles
come up in moves
detailed hermaphrodites
just awaiting birth

Your pent up bones
climbers must kiss
or fall
leading to falling bones

no machine exquisite
breed no breakage
grow up
grow up
climbers must kiss


Boy kiss

Sweet fairytale boy
sliipping into coma-kiss
like a bliss is made
into a lore mode of loyalty
sweet sugar
no kiss
for you
your glass heart
needs breaking

twitching membranes
of heart forsaken in crash course
jet-bloomed turbulence
myth bold
myth frail
birth unavoidable

kisses in frost
love pines blood
in lips rigid with artificial stitches
bleed a bit

live a bit
no comatose
for you
handle well
responsible boy
responsible sex you girl

join in fairytale equity
join in kisses full in that flesh



Rushing forward


Thunderous poison
thou art aphrodisiac
thou art solemn
a riddler of twisting bones
lifelines crackle
like veins postponing
blood flow
exploding
blood colours

It is fate
breathe on the tip
It is fate
breathe on the tip
grow more expressive
intensive love
made for machinistic sex
bled for regretful after taste

Mirth is boiled raw
you are but a poison synthesized as skin

Tuck


Bedtucked world of moon-dropped love
like tickling fire with a mirth ascribed
to night I am forlorn
to the avarice I am spent
to think of mutiny now is senseless
thus I spill blackish-silver
from my tongue
like moon flower
to grow

Bedtucked heart that longs no slumber
think crab like fingers
pierced are the nails
like dandelion they grow
corrupt cutting
as biting you know
is a habit happening
habit to know

You bled like silver flow
your rich tongue knew
you are the art
I am the canvas
I am the artist
you are the brush

let us be born
one breath at a time

Wednesday 5 May 2010

Dip Into Life

You were spying on me
like the moon
when it's new
when it's excited
to be drunk and full

Your lips are satin wine
a fleshy paradox of love and lust
like mirth that calls itself your heart
and the oval world that is your soul

We are not the avarice seekers
not stunt coordinators
but we sail into eclipses
our sails better than polythene bright
like a seashell learning to sing

Life is always an equation
you'll never solve
always a tongue
whose language is thus revealed in letters
here and there
but we ate from some similar cup
grabbed and were nailed onto
weaved-sprung in the identity-mirrors

I guess I like you
You may not know
you are a glorious moon
your breath are the stars


Sunday 2 May 2010

I'm Feeling Sad Today


God, am I a failure?

I feel like such a big failure. A dumb stupid failure. Who can't achieve anything. Who will never do much.

God, am I a loser?

Am I destined to watch others succeed while I have no success at all. Am I supposed to always feel this weight of unhappiness. Cannot I not complain?

I know that I have more than many others - and Allah Almighty Thank You For That - but also gaining more means I sometimes desire more within in what you have given me. Not of riches in the material sense. The riches of those things ebb away. I wanted something that was substantial.

I have no life other than this. This boring, putrid life. Which though is a blessing can act like a curse at times. I feel like screaming out at times and just feel like I could end in that scream. But, that doesn't happen.

I must face livid disappointments, humiliations and the unexpected failures that others do not know off. I feel so frustrated at times that I feel like going away - locking myself in frustrations and dreams - to have a balance of nightmares and blisses that I can control. But, that never happens away.

I have had this feeling more than once. I have had this feeling more than a couple of times. I just can't take it - being the loser all the time. It's not fair. It's Just NOT FAIR.

But I have experienced this so many times. This sadness. This in-excruciating sadness. The wrath of this sadness. In loneliness, bitterness and dysfunctionality. It has started to sicken me. I wish it would all end. But, I know I'm not going strong enough if I say that. That I am being a coward if I think that.

I feel really upset. Am I such a loser? Am I such a failure? Why do I have to meet with such disappointments when I see others around me not facing these things and gaining so much happiness or regular success. I feel down. As I said I do count my blessings. But sometimes it hurts a lot. A lot more than I can handle. I feel like being torn to pieces by the Angel of Death. But, I guess it would be wrong to think that. Wrong to think of such things,

I guess I am just sad. Sad of being a loser. But, I guess I gotta go on ahead.